Some people love flying. Some people hate it. But if you want to live life to the fullest chances are you’ll be doing a fair amount of it in your lifetime. You’d think the more you do it the better you’d be, but in reality some things will always be a struggle- when it comes to economy that is.
THE ARM REST BATTLE
I once checked in online to a 26 hour trip to Australia and had the whole plane plan the wrong way round. This resulted in me booking the middle seat in the middle section, at the back of the plane for BOTH LEGS OF MY FLIGHT when I thought i’d scored the front extra leg room seat. No arm room, nowhere to rest against, no reclining capabilities and the least leg room.
I spent two flights and 26 hours napping like a – doll giving myself whiplash with my arms clenched to my sides like I was wearing a straight jacket. It was unbearable. Who’s to say which arm rest is who’s? I mean in a three-seater row there’s four arm rests. Someone get’s two and everyone else gets a one. And like everything in life it’s first come first serve.
The only way to avoid a forearm battle is to be prepared. Know how early your airline allows online check-ins, get in there before all the other super organised people do and book that sweet window seat.
If all else fails and you do find yourself in the middle seat for whatever reason. The only way out of struggle city is if it’s clear that you, out of the other two passengers need that arm rest the most. I’m talking about a fake sling. I mean, don’t shoot the messenger but that’s just the truth. It’s the only way.
There’s one single thing that completely divides opinion when it comes to flying. I am terrified of it. I think i’ve only done it twice in my life and it’s called reclining.
As a fairly tall girl, when people recline in front of me I turn full mime Al Pacino with my “AYYY”’s, “OHHHH”’s and C’MAAAAN”’s to the person next to me, so I can’t face doing it to any one behind me.
The rare times i’ve had the balls to, (usually on long hauls when my legs or bum have checked out) it’s been like letting out a tiny secret fart in public. You’re face is screwed up- like that’ll help stop it from happening- and you do it super fast desperately hoping no-one will notice. Chances are the guy behind you has noticed now that he’s watching Kill Bill. Cross-eyed.
I recently took the plunge and reclined for most of my connecting flight to Australia. The luxury of actually being able to sleep definitely out weighed the guilt. Saaaarry.
WAKE OR WET YOURSELF
Now, I personally have no problem with this one. Do you want me to urinate all over myself and then spend the next 10 hours sitting in it, or can I disturb your already fairly disturbed slumber to relieve myself? People really don’t care. I have friends who been
almost blue with bladders like bouncy castles because they were too embarrassed to ask. Sometimes nature calls. Remember, the only person who will be genuinley annoyed about being woken up so you can spend a penny is a total ass hat who deserves to lose sleep over what a prick they’re being anyway. Also, there is no quota to how many times you can go for a wee on a plane. Don’t feel bad if you need like 8 wee’s a flight.
If you feel bad, you could always whisper discreetly to the lady you’re disturbing that you have cystitis. There’s not a woman on this earth that wouldn’t feel your pain if you had cystitis on a plane. If she’s really lovely she might even switch seats with you.
I mean obviously don’t take her up on it. You’re defy lying about having cystitis. God damn it what has happened to you?
Turbulence sucks. It really sucks. There’s nothing quite like the sensation of dropping out of the air 35,000 feet above the ground. (i’m writing this while on a 14 hour flight. What a brilliant fucking idea, Gina.) But hey. It terrifies everyone.
Sure, maybe not the cabin crew or the pilots but for the passengers it can be pretty scary.
When it comes down to it there’s actually nothing to be afraid of. It’s almost impossible for a plane to go down because of turbulence. Modern planes are built to withstand unbelievable conditions and can with stand 3 G force winds.
Do you know how much that is? That’s like even more than those hand dryers you get in fancy bathrooms that you really want to put your face under.
However, even though you may know all the facts and have the voice of reason steadily resounding in your head, sometimes you want a cabin crew member to reassure you that “hey, this happens all the time. This is nothing!”
Don’t feel embarrassed to give them questioning thumbs up. They’re there to help you and make you feel comfortable and chances are they’ll reassure you that everything’s cool. They do this all day every day for a living. Can you imagine how much turbulence they’ve encountered?
So, when it comes to flying, you’re basically shoved into a tube with hundreds of people you don’t know. You’ve got the luxury of 2 feet of space per person and you’re doing a pretty unnatural thing. So sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do. Joyfully recline! Grab that arm rest and take as many wees as you want! You paid for this flight after all.