This weekend was wonderful. Me and my best boy hopped into his Holden Apollo Wagon and zipped a couple of hours north to Black Diamond lake; an old converted coal mine where the water is the brightest blue from the limestone. It’s so beautiful that for a whole day I wasn’t even worrying about crocodiles or poisonous amoebas that fly into your nose and eat your brain (‘STRAYA). The only thing was, I grew up land locked. I don’t know how to operate a camping stove and will say things like “THERE’S SOMETHING ON ME I KNOW THERE’S SOMETHING ON ME” when near grass, so bush camping was a whole new experience for me and at first I was a little worried I wouldn’t even enjoy it that much. But slap my thigh and call me Gary was I wrong.
There were five ducks who did everything together at the lake, and I mean everything. Besties for life. When I woke up they would standing there silently waiting to be fed, they’d do laps around the lake wing to wing, waddle up to stare and me and Jordy while we ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. And while I was snapchatting I spotted them behind me in the frame. But most importantly of all, they hung out with me while I drank half a bottle of gin. The whole time. We shot the shit, talked about life. They ate ants in the soil and I sang to them a little. Then I proceeded to play a fun drinking game: Drink two fingers every time they quack and down your drink each time they all simultaneously waddle away looking perturbed at nothing.
If you’re in desperate need of a number 1 or- a god forbid- a number 2, you’re going to have to squat in the bush… and that means a snake is going to shoot right up your butt hole. That’s just science. You’re in Australia and you’ve shoved your heinie into the danger zone. Snake right up the butt.
A good tip is to bounce violently while peeing. And also shout if possible. If you have a blow torch or a tazer to hand that can be a welcome and helpful weapon… just make sure you don’t pee in an open area or your boyfriend will film you screaming, bouncing and pissing everywhere while you try to run away from blow flies and avoid butt snakes.
(Video not included how ever much I want to show you. No one wants to see a twenty four year old projectile peeing while crying.)
….while drunk. Fresh water is teaming with critters- especially at night time. Look up what could be around where you are, grab a torch, and a net and get out there in your knicky-knocks. We caught freshwater Marron while suitably drunk and it was a thrill like no other. I can’t explain to you the drunk excitement of chasing a prawn type dude who’s running backwards away from you in a lake in the middle of the night. It’s a very specific kind of joy. Alternatively, if you’re camping at the beach grab a few beers and go crabbing on the shore. Or just look for squid and little nocturnal fishies with a torch. It’s super fuckin’ fun and if you catch enough you can have a fresh seafood midnight snack on the campfire.
When you wake up in a car in 40 degree heat, a little hungover because of all the gin you consumed while talking to 5 ducks about why you think it’s really unfair woman are expected to be hairless, you’re going to feel a little rough. I popped open the trunk, took four bleary eyed steps forward and was floating around in a blue lagoon. When people say “this is the life”, they’re lying. THAT was the life. Add in Van Morrison on the car stereo and the sound of my boyfriend sizzling up some sausages for breakfast, and I’d have to say that bush camping was the highlight of my entire trip.